Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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