Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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