i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
