does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
