We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
