im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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