I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
