I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
