I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
