with your own penis?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
