I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
