It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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