I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
