I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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