The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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