im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
