Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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