Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
