Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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