We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
