I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
