how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize