I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
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