dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
