Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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