You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
