My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
