So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
