the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
