I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
