don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
