sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
