I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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