remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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