Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
