dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
