I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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