I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
