ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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