I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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