I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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