I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I queefed so loud it echoed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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