can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
