remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone came in the potted fern
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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