Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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