I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
