"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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