Can i not drive my cunt home
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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