don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
