dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
