the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
