look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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