I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
