Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
