The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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