woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
be right there i have to get my cape
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
