i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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