Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's just like the Real World with babies
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
