Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
