Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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