Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
