life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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